Archive for the ‘emotions’ Category
Ownership
Ownership and responsible mindset are coming. I can feel it. I’m getting done with the excuses in my head.
Another big step was all the sudden remembering how good I felt back when I was a firm 165. My confidence was out of control and so was my energy. Guess what? I also slept better.
Yes, these are all things I know. But once depression sets in it is quite difficult to shake. I do think I see the other side of everything though and am making small changes that will lead to the old habits I had.
off track
Oh look, a surprise post. I’m so glad that this is truly a personal blog. Although maybe I’d be better at updating if i had more readers and I knew they were keeping me accountable. But then again I will not promote this blog because I do like keeping it personal and people had to be really looking if they find it. lol
I’m so off track right now. The weight is tremendous. Embarrassingly high. But I will post it. It is embarrassing, but I will own my 185.
I know why this is. Literally, I went to school for my training degree. I know my health issues are a great excuse, but not the cause for the gain.
I know that I am responsible for the food and drink that have gone in to my mouth. All of those extra calories that I don’t need.
Yes, some of the not working out is directly health related. AT TIMES!!! Not the entire years worth of not getting back in a routine though.
I can still go and jog quite fast and still hit my 3.2 miles pretty easy. Cardio is still in tact. My time is actually better most days than it used to be. However, my asthma is worse. That’s an obvious since my diaphragm has to compete with my fat gut to get air into my lungs. Like the fluid in the lungs isn’t enough?
I jog and I can feel my belly bounce. My boobs don’t fit in my sports bras and it’s uncomfortable. Then of course none of my clothes are fitting well at all.
Hopefully by tossing this up it will wake me up. I have not been in a mindset to take responsibility for it. Hence the reason it keeps getting worse.
I want take out!
I’m looking for a pity party here. Yep, totally want to sit and wallow in my poor me. My insides hurt and I just want take out to drown my sorrows in. I stayed strong and did not stop. I looked at every take out menu in my car (that’s a lot) lol and drove up the back hill so I wouldn’t drive past any of them. I want sushi and I want big chunky french fries.
I know it’s because I am in a bad mood and am tired of not feeling good. I’m making a grilled chicken salad for lunch and no, I’m not going to feel better for doing it. But the scale will thank me. lol
Next goal
Ok, I know my next goal was to be 165, but I’m moving past that goal. I keep tittering around that goal and it’s crap. lol
My next incentive was my big lower back piece. Hubby has decided to get his tattoo and he said we will both go in for them! WOOHOO, I am so damn excited to see ink on him and get more ink on myself! But that was my incentive for hitting 155. That means that I need to lose 13 pounds.
He is on weightloss goals now as well so I know we can get only healthy stuff in the house and more workouts. But 13 pounds for girls is much more. Especially since he has more to lose than I do. But that is sounding like excuses and it is. If I stuck to it, I could hit it in no time. I’m committed to keeping it off forever and not the quick fix this time.
But I do want that tatt! I have wanted this tatt for over 3 years now. I can’t wait to get it. After that, the sky will be the limit. I’d honestly have no problem tatting my whole body up. I LOVE IT!
Emotional eating-fight it
It’s so hard to not emotional eat. We have had a big tragedy at our fire department and this has led to some comfort food and of course to more drinking than usual. I am happy to report that my portions of the less than perfect food are better so I’m staying right around where I should be. But that is not good enough.
I was just talking to hubby today about what he wants me to bring down for dinner. Nothing even sounds good because we’ve been eating out too much this week as we deal with things. But he’s working a 72 hour shift and we need to go down to the station and see him.
I have a bunch of salads that need to be eaten and he said we can pick up baked chicken at our grocery store. So we won’t be eating all that bad and I can get the others on shift today to help eat the salads. I’m sick of them. lol
Bad Eating
I’m eating really bad over the last week. Uncontrollably bad. What is wrong with me? It doesn’t even taste that good. I know it is emotional eating because my allergies are bad and my back hurts and if my stomach doesn’t hurt it’s another miracle. But still, those are excuses and excuses are lame.
So right now it has to stop. The next meal will be healthy. Tomorrow will be healthy from breakfast one and breakfast will be at 4:30 am when I get up. No waiting until I get home at 6:30 to eat breakfast. That doesn’t work, it’s too long to wait to eat.
K, I feel better now. Start right now and move forward.
Comparing
Oh boy, it finally dawned on me how much I’ve been comparing myself to others. No wonder why I’m depressed about my body. I will never be the 10% body fat girl. Nor do I want to be! So why do I feel so darn fat when I’m around my workout buddy? Do I not kick her butt and make her work super hard? Do I not keep up with her on the cardio?
Yes, I do need to lose quit a few pounds. But I am not committed to eating right. So that is just not going to happen is it? DUH! When the time comes and I confront my poor eating and actually move to do something about it, then it will be the right time. I am tempted to make it a New Year’s resolution, even though I hate resolutions.
I do look good. I have a lot of muscle on. My legs are stellar looking. Yes, there is extra fat on too many areas. If 20 pounds came off I’d be in
heaven. But obviously that is not going to happen at this point in time. I will keep on working out hard and impressing myself with how hard I can hit
it. I will focus on adding more vegetables back in. I can’t believe how much those have fallen out of many meals. Dinner we rarely go without a veggie or salad, but the rest of the meals are lacking. Oh and my sporadic eating is not good either. I need to set up some kind of schedule in Jan.
I have to focus on how good I do look, not all the areas I don’t like.
Pity party
Well I woke up this morning to no internet yet again. It’s day 3 and I’m going to lose my mind and I’m missing out on business. Here I sit blogging old school like Doogie Houser. lol Just on my computer until I can copy and paste it into my blog. I feel so cut off from the world.
Anyway, I’m just having a rough week and the lack of internet is not helping. I’m stressing about a lot of things and I’m feeling hungry because of it. I wish I had gone to bed earlier last night so I wouldn’t have had that last snack. I’m tired of the emotional eating and I’m tired of the emotional roller coaster I’ve been riding on this year.
I will stay at the gym longer than normal today so I’m away from food. I have my snacks packed already. Then I’ll just walk here and there, and do some shoulders today I think. Abs are in order as well. After my last appointment I’ll hit the cardio hard before coming home. I’m just not in the mood to move off the couch. I’m very glad that I have appointments so I have to go. lol
PS. I did a killer jogging workout with a client tonight. Burned 600 calories for the day. 100 over my goal. 